Which of Clare Crawley’s Bachelorette Contestants Would’ve Thrived in a Cult?

The newest season of The Bachelorette is finally here and, after 16 seasons, it’s time to start asking the hard-hitting question audiences haven’t had the guts to explore. Bachelorette Clare is most remembered for her epic takedown of ultimate douchelord Bachelor, Juan Pablo, her final blow being, “I would never want my children having a father like you!” And now, the queen of sting is back looking for a second, no third, no fourth? (I’m genuinely not sure at this point…) shot at love. Of all of Clare’s 31 contestants, 100% of them possess the sophomoric narcissism to post shirtless gym selfies. But which ones raise the red flags needed to survive a cult? We’re about to find out.

1. QAnon — This ultramodern cult is more topical than my acne cream. The views represented here are those of an extremely paranoid, unstable and ultimately broken human. Enter Blake M. Besides boasting the uniform of all domestic terrorists (a neckbeard), Blake’s career choice of “Male Groomer” serves as the perfect undercover operative to confront men one on one, spout Pizzagate conspiracy theories and convince clients to join the ranks.
2. The People’s Temple — The blind confidence it takes to wear a bowtie in 2020 and call it a “personality” is equal to, if not greater than, Jim Jones’. Brendan could easily orchestrate a cyanide poisoning, but as a self-described “true romantic”, he’ll serve up your Kool-Aid alongside a candle-lit homemade dinner.
3. Rajneeshpuram — A religious-less existence filled with sexual liberation sounds great these days. But AJ specifically joined up for the sole purpose of being left in peace to make candles. Plus, red looks amazing with his eyes.
4. NXIVM — In the zeitgeist thanks to HBO’s The Vow and Alison Mack’s mediocre acting career, this abusive sex cult would’ve attracted a number of Bachelorette contestants. However, the award for “Most Likely to Move to Albany and Perform Self-Help Seminars” goes to… Bennett. Not only does his self-care regime, Rolls Royce entrance and career in “Wealth Management” scream Patrick Bateman, but I’m also thoroughly convinced he and his family acquired their wealth through demonic worship and sacrifice rituals. Emotionally stunting women to later brand them shouldn’t be too huge of a leap.
5. Russian Doomsday Cult: The Cave — Only a special guy possesses the qualities of being simultaneously dead in the eyes and providing too much eye contact. But Ben fits the bill! Even though the end of world didn’t come in 2008, Ben remains hopeful that when it does, his strict health nut diet will make him the ‘hawtest’ corpse ever to be found in Russia’s Penza region.
6. Children of God — Okay this contestant isn’t a member exactly, but his parents DEFINITELY are. How else do you get names like Joaquin, River and now… Chasen.
7. The Manson Family — As a (wait for it…) COVER BOY BAND MANAGER, Kenny is already in the biz! His clients are no Beatles, but I’d bet my left knee (which is fake) that he’s gotten off on them covering “Helter Skelter” at least a hundred times. Kenny would gladly slaughter the Hollywood elite for a chance at fame. Let’s hope none of his boy bands make it big.
8. School of Prophets — This one was a simple lack of judgement. Just like any man who agrees to be filmed in a bath tub, Mike T. eludes a certain childlike innocence and need to please others. This extends to his own libido, which is why after Lafferty mentioned, “polygamy,” Mike became so horny he completely missed the whole “murder those that oppose” aspect.
9. Heaven’s Gate — The Earth is about to be wiped clean- what’s the first thing you do? For Yosef, the answer is ditch his daughter so he can journey across the U.S. and find his inner self (or at the very least, score an Instagram brand deal hawking Skinny Tea.) And what better way to improve your odds than by baking poisonous cookies to oust the competition?
10. Angels’ Landing — Jay would easily believe anyone claiming to be a 1,000-year-old angel, if only to increase the religious percentile of his fitness empire. As far as committing acts of pedophilia to stay alive? Let’s just say I don’t know any grown man shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch for their detailed craftsmanship.