Moral Alignment: Clothing Store Edition
Let’s begin with the most soul crushing: Chaotic Evil. This alignment represents not one store, but the entirety of Instagram targeted clothing brands. I’m talking your Shein, Ali Express, Zulily, RueLaLa. You get it. Every dress looks like a real housewife on screen: sculpted, put together and of sound mind and body. But up close, you’ll see the threads have begun to unravel. Literally. A garbage bag posing as a leather body con dress is not okay! Paying $20 for 5 clothing items that don’t crumble into dust upon first wear is an unrealistic standard, but I can’t say no to a good deal. These brands have and will continue to bamboozle me until the end of time. And THAT is the ultimate evil. (Runner-up: American Apparel ten years ago.)
Chaotic Good is our little rebel: Forever 21. The younger sister who just wants attention. She’s trying to find herself and she means well, but she’s a little all over the place. You’ll find yourself asking, “How many eight balls did the visual director rail before landing on this layout?” Because somehow, 3 hours have passed and you’re not even halfway through the store! Neon, zippers where nobody asked for them and edgy emblems that say things like “Pepsi Girl”. She’s meant for the young people, but no matter your age, if you happen to stumble inside, you’ll be home.
Lawful Good is pretty obvious: Ann Taylor Loft, honey. You ever been intimidated by a gal in a sweater set? Not since Gossip Girl went off the air. And to those that disagree I say: Look, they have flower dress pants. What occasion would one deem wear flower dress pants? Perhaps to your florist’s garden party? A neighborhood Easter bruncheon? Ms. Clavell shows more cleavage than an Ann Taylor Loft model. That’s pure saccharine sweetness.
Lawful Evil is Urban Outfitters. I understand that half of what I’m buying will not work on my body type (no matter how many times I try to pull off sexy overalls), and yet… I keep coming back. It’s an evil I can live with. Sure, I wish they’d stop exploiting the use of fedoras in mainstream culture, but I’ve learned to pick my battles. You either die a hero or live long enough to watch yourself buy a $75 sweater with the most irrelevant elbow patches this side of the Great Depression.
And finally, True Neutral: The Gap. Duh. It’s all your basics. Beige never came in these many shades. And if you’re the big “personality” of your friend group, there’s always: navy. It’s not quite boring, but it’s definitely not fun. The Gap’s idea of wild is putting a quarter side slit in a waffle sweater. It’s just the right amount of risk for someone who didn’t leave their hometown and works a multi-level marketing job. No one’s too good for The Gap, but somehow, no one’s good enough.
