How to Agatha Christie a Heartbeat Bill
Periods change with the wind. Being 1–2 weeks late is as common as a Law & Order marathon. Period trackers are rendered useless against added stress. And if a baby smiles at you in the grocery store, you better check the aisles for your runaway uterus. That’s why successfully navigating a Heartbeat Bill may seem impossible. States like Alabama, Georgia and Ohio are committed to keeping women perpetually changing poopy diapers by banning abortions past 6 weeks. But what happens if a woman hasn’t noticed her period is AWOL?
Lawmakers are too uncomfortable to discuss the unpredictability of menstrual cycles (icky). As far as they’re concerned, a room with more than 3 women in it is a coven. As usual, us women have to fix the problem ourselves. The small windows of time women have been granted to solve this mystery may seem psychotically hopeless but, I’m here to tell you, it’s not so. By using the tips and tricks left to us by the world’s greatest detectives, navigating a Heartbeat Bill can be as easy as 1, 2, 3!
1. The Sherlock Holmes: This guy is all about forensic science (and looking chic in plaid). However, use this method at your own risk, because Holmsey requires smoking at least 3 pipes worth of tobacco, pregnant or not. Don’t forget his flair for showmanship and make sure to keep your partner on the edge of their seat until the last possible second for the grand reveal!
2. The Monk: If you’re on anti-anxiety meds, get off them STAT! You’ll need to stir up some obsessive-compulsive tendencies for this technique to work (or at the very least a panic attack). After touching your doorknob 17 times, you’ll be ready to examine the vagina. But make sure you douse it in hand sanitizer first. Gross.
3. The Veronica Mars: Okay, this will be a slow burn. You won’t figure out if you were ever pregnant until 14 years later, when your child shows up on your doorstep. Break into your dad’s office and steal evidence of the adoption. If you get caught, just call your friendly neighborhood Latino biker gang to back you up.
4. The Hardy Boys: First things first, have a brother. If you don’t have a brother, a crusty towel will work just as well. This method is all about American boyhood ideals. Play a game of catch. Bike to an ice cream parlor. Take your sweater-over-collared-shirt ass to an OGBYN because you’re a literal CHILD.
5. The Angel: Put on your longest duster jacket. Now, walk the streets of the worst part of town late at night. If you survive, it means you’re a vampire. You can’t get pregnant. Boom.
6. The Olivia Benson: Try (and fail) not to get emotionally invested in your vagina. Tell it, “It’s not your fault.” Keep Ice-T as far away from the investigation as possible because he will INSIST on going under cover.
7. The Dexter: This is the one where you get to murder people! Some lady gives you a dirty look at Trader Joes? Murdered! A waiter spills wine on you? Murdered! A pro-lifer calls you a murderer for walking into a Planned Parenthood? You get it…
8. The Miss Marple: Make a cup of tea before every meal. Make a cup of tea after every meal. While you’re at it, make your vagina a cup of tea.
9. The Nancy Drew: As a cultural icon, you have a responsibility to dress cute as hell while investing this mystery. So, I have three words for you: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize! Attach no less than 5 charms to your pregnancy test.
10. The Jessica Jones: Since you have the disadvantage of not being a superhero, you need to believe you have superhuman capabilities. Throw a dash of PCP in your coffee and then, pick your poison: combat boots, a half empty bottle of whiskey or a distaste for authority. If a hot neighbor comes to investigate, your period is late. If the police come to arrest you, congratulations! It’s a girl! Remember to share this list with her when she comes of age.
