Break-up with your Best Friend, I’m Bored.
Romantic break-ups are nothing new for us as a society. We see them in pop culture constantly from celebrity splits to tear-jerk movies to every Real Housewife who starts making more money than her dirt bag husband. Yet, a specific breed of break-ups has remained underrepresented in our culture: the break-up of a best friend. Specifically, due to your friend entering a relationship. Obviously, the nature of what you had is going to change. What was once reserved for you: i.e. the unexpected Italian greyhound they encountered on their way to work, has already been spilled to their new beau. Your best friend entering a relationship (without you) comes with its own separate grieving process. Five stages of grief to be exact. Please note, dear reader, I refuse to use the term “bestie”. But you can look forward to some other dynamic synonyms such as: chum, bff, main squeeze, soulmate, alter ego, etc.
The process of your biffle leaving you alone at the metaphorical alter begins with stage one: “Courting”. Your friend has begun dating and it’s not necessarily serious. You’re happy for your sidekick. Plus, it almost feels as if you’re both dating this new person. This is either due to your attachment disorder, the amount of texts you’ve helped decipher and craft or the fact that you know both their politics and penis are left-leaning. The second stage is called “DTR”. Your friend tells you they want to “define the relationship”. And hey, they’re your fucking SOULMATE and their happiness is a direct reflection on you! But helping your friend achieve DTR status can make you feel like you’re starring as the titular role in a local community theater production of “Jekyll & Hyde”. You’re forced to give them helpful advice, despite every fiber of your being screaming “SABOTAGE”! Alas, you continue to be the thoughtful, compassionate, little bitch you’ve always been.
The third stage is known as “Taken”. Essentially, you’re Liam Neeson, your friend is Maggie Grace and their new lover is a human trafficker with a vague eastern-European accent. They’ve been kidnapped and cease to exist on all planes of reality. To make matters worse, all the time and support you’ve been giving your friend is NOT being returned with interest. You feel resentful. And, like Liam, each drunken night out with your bff unfailingly ends with you, abandoned at a bar, next to a bowl of dirty peanut shells.
Stage four is “The Confrontation”. This is when you and their lover finally meet face to face. Also, it feels like a wasted opportunity not to throw in a Les Misérables reference, so here goes: You are Jean Valjean; your main squeeze is Cosette and their new partner is Marius. Yes, I alluded to your best friend being your daughter, which is accurate. Because at this point you feel the over-protection and defensiveness only a father knows. Your friend’s beloved will be intimidated by your lack of perceived vulnerabilities. This will leave them feeling inferior, thus realizing they will never fulfill your homie emotionally. Short-term it will appear empowering, but long-term, this will cause your friend’s sweetheart to become uncomfortable around you. Ultimately, resulting in the final stage.
Stage five: “The Break-Up”. This isn’t parallel to a romantic break-up because it doesn’t indicate a true end of relationship, more so an evolution. It will never be what it once was. Parts of you have been replaced and your purpose in their life is now being served by another. But hey, all hope is not lost. That’s why best friend is a tier, not a sole person (Thanks, Mindy Kaling). We just have to put out feelers and find other adult humans to connect with. Everyone has multiple soulmates and most of them are just meant to be wonderful friendships (even if you feel like you definitely banged in a past life). All we can hope for is a partner to share a meaningful glance with across the room each time someone pronounces Ibiza in that way.
